Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
