I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
