Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
