a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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