There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My vagina is very pro this idea
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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