At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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