the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
