remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
