I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
