The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
