my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
