I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
