your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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