Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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