If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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