me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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