I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
