I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
