Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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