At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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