i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
