she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
