My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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