I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
