what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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