So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
