I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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