Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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