just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
