6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
