After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
