I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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