why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
