we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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