i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
