I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
