The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
