Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
