so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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