Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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