coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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