My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
