You're completely useless in the revolution.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
