I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
