if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
