census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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