Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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