so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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