Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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