Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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