It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
